Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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