I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
