you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
