Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
