I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
