if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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