Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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