I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i drank out of a bidet.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
