Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
