Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
