It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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