Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize