I just cut my nipple shaving
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
