I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
