mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Help. Why am I so naked?
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