So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
