Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
this hospital has no fireball
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
