I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
