sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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