i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
