I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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