I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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