Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
