I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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