Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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