i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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