Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
