Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
