Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
