Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
