12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
