Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
