Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
