ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
