you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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