dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
