How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
