Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
