dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
