It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
