Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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