3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
