Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
