i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
