So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
50% drunk capacity currently
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize
