I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
