It's Friday. Sex?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
