I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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