Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
