I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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