I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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