Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
