wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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