hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Randomize
