Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
