I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
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